My bedroom window looks out at the sky, I can still see the tops of the evergreen trees while I lay on my mattress. Dingy white walls, no curtains, my bed frame broken and in the corner of the room… It’s depressing. My phone makes a ping, I grab it and check the notification.
“Hey I wont be home again 2night, make urself dinner.”
It’s from Dad. Of course, he’s out doing things that I don’t even want to think about right now. He’s never home. I don’t even know why he bothers texting me about it. I clench my phone in my hand, this cheap thing isn’t worth anything. It’s just so he can track me. I don’t have any friends to text to, I’m not allowed to download games, just text him and mom. I stand up and chuck the phone at the wall, I’m furious. It’s been 4 days now since he’s even come home. The phone hits the floor and the glass clinks on the floor.
I push open my door, it slams against the wall as I pass through it. The rest of the house is a disgusting mess. I learned cleaning it is stupid. “Everything has a place so keep it there,” he says. The hall is not a place to pile things. I kick over a box of random trinkets and gadgets
I really don’t feel like doing this anymore. Every little thing bugs me now. I stare down at the floor. A tear drops, I didn’t even notice my eyes were tearing up. I miss my Dad, but he would never miss me. No one would miss me. The world wouldn’t miss me.
Recently these thoughts have been too often. I know it’s not good but it’s so consuming. I continue staring at the floor. The crying feels good, I don’t want it to end. I keep thinking of things to make me feel worse. I’m pointless, I’m worthless, I’m dumb, many things. It feels terrible and great.
I Look at the spilt gadgets, a rope is in the midst of it. Should I? I don’t think anyone is going to care. No one is going to care. I grab it and look around. There’s nothing to hang it from. Maybe a tree outside? I grab it and start walking to the back, my legs feel like they’re trudging through tar. I push open the door as my body seems to do things without me really thinking about it.
I consciously wake up a long while later. I’m on my bed and I hear my Dad talking to someone else in the kitchen. Did I fail? When did he get home?
“I didn’t know she would do this! Don’t get mad at me.” I hear him yell.
I’m such a disappointment, such a failure. He doesn’t even care to check up on me. I lightly touch my neck, it hurts so bad. I’m sure there is a bruise but I don’t want to see it. I sit up, my head spins but I push myself into the hall. A woman storms out of the house, I don’t recognize her. He puts his hands on his face.
“Hi, Dad…” I say, my voice comes out hoarse. I feel like the house around me darkened as he slowly looked over at me.
“Jacey,” He says glaring at me, “Do you know what you’ve done now?”
I looked down, “No… I don’t.”
“It’s because of you that Rachelle just walked out the door. Because of you, I have to start over with some other woman.” He starts walking towards me, “Because of your little attention scheme, I have to leave again!”
I take a step back, “I’m sorry…”
“If you want my attention, then stop doing things so I have to leave again. You’re lucky that I came home to pick something up.” He grabbed my broken phone from the floor where he had put it who knows when, “If you had seen my texts like a good child, you would have known. Brat.”
I muttered to myself, “If you would come home like a normal dad, you would have known.”
I should have known I would get smacked. I still said it and now there’s nothing to do about it. I run back to my room with him yelling after me. I hate this. Why do I do anything? I hate him.
I’m not the problem, he’s the problem. He’s the reason I feel so bad. I don’t love him and I should have never thought that. I’m so stupid. If I can’t leave my life for good, I’ll just run away. That will be even better. Then I can be happy again someday.
The day ends. He’s gone. I’m the only one in this house right now. I grab my backpack, stuff a pair of clothes in it, a water bottle, a coat, and almost step out the door. What about food and stuff? I search through my Dad’s room and find some spare bills in dressers. Mom’s old dresser had a lot in it, no one has touched it in a long time. I leave all the drawers open for when he comes back to find it.
Then I leave. That’s it. I’m out the door and I’m not coming back. The moment I turn onto another street, it feels like I’m on a new planet. No one will miss me, all I have is myself.
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Authors Note:
Thank you for reading the first chapter of Great Idea! It does have a gloomy feel to the first chapter, the next two might be as gloomy, but it does get happier. Subscribe to Dear Marshall for updates on the next post!
